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We plan, but He is the best of planners

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 It’s true they say. No matter how much you plan something. You wish for it, crave for it. If He says no, then no.  I sedih 😔. I wished the outcome would’ve been what I wanted. I wish it didn’t hurt. I wish I didn’t have to cry throughout my drive home. I wish you walked back. Called. Stopped me. Sigh. I tried my best. I really did.  How do I remove this feeling? Where’s the manual for all this. Is there a shortcut for it? Nope. Hadap je and day1 starts today. Goodluck nadh.  I’m glad I drove back safely. If that matters. Yknow what’s sad? The fact that your scent was in the car as I drive tonight. I wish I could keep it in a jar. That scent~ But that’s just stupid thinking. Bodoh amat ya nadh. Orang dah buang, harap sedar diri lepas ni.  You once told me, you remembered how one looked like as you left. And you didn’t want to see me cry. So I tunaikan tu for you. How I cried for minutes and minutes right after you walked away. You’ll never know how I felt that ...
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First mental breakdown

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 2023 just came and my hormones just decided to have a wave of mental breakdowns lulz.  Had a sudden remembrance of what could’ve, would’ve happened 2-3 years ago. I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now but at times like this, my brain just wont stop replaying those horrific moments.  Does it cross your mind too? Or am I overthinking? Hmm. Make it stop ☹️
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Cold

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 Things got cold. But I didn’t know it would be ‘freezing’ cold. All I wanted was for you to be there. Especially when I needed most. Tak susah pun. Ambil hati sikit pun jadilah.  What’s all this crap for intimacy if there’s nsa. Where did all the ‘friends’ go? Is this how much I value? Nvm. No point ranting on things to people that see no value in a person.  I just want to be happy and feel appreciated. Life got hard. No joke. Wish I had someone to open up to…without it being used against me, without the need to hide anything, without getting hurt, and most importantly without feeling like my problems are invalid. It matters to me. So if you wanna F around, then GO!
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Mengadaaa

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 Nothing to rant today but I had a silly thought recently 😂.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a partner that literally ’belanja’ I during 12.12 sale?? Lol. I mean I want a lot of things yknow. Even random things like a plush toy or some stickers 🤣 Tapi sebenarnya something that made me feel like this was when I was scrolling a tudung on sale. I just had a thought “kan best kalau I boleh cakap NAK je kat someone”. Hmm Tudung tu tak mahal pun. RM28 je lepas sale. Kan best kalau you belikan I 2-3 helai 🥺. Nanti boleh pakai time pergi kerja ke, p shopping ke, dating ke. Tapi tu angan angan sajaaa. Tak salah kan nadhoossh kuat berangan 🤭 One day I wanna say to the LOML: “Sayang, I nak tudung ni pleaseeee 🙃” **Teringat dulu ada orang sanggup nak tunggu gaji untuk belikan I cincin. Sekarang, nak reply apatah lagi nak cari kita, habuk pun takdak 😂
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Not the best December

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Hey. It’s only been a week but it feels heavy doesn’t it? I had so much plans. We. But His plans are better. As long as it makes you happy. If you think this is for the best. Nothing else matters.  I wish we had our birthday date I wish we had our cake we talked about I wish we had our night drive I wish we actually celebrated together I came by that night with high hopes. But this time I was already prepared for it. It didn’t hurt like the last time. That’s good right? 
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Nope. It’s not tears of joy tonight. Thought I could control it but not everything is in our favour innit?  That really hurts but I controlled my emotions to show how unacceptable it was. Who can even be this sane and calm. Is this even normal? Idk.  “The softness, The sweetness…”  As usual. I wished I was missed more than that. And as usual, I kill my own sanity with expectations. GG nadhoossh.  P/s: note to self. You are worth more than that and you deserve better. Ily. 
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I can’t sleep

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“I takleh tidoq”  Wish I could say that. Jari ni tahan ja nak cakap. But I’m not allowed to anymore. It’s messing with my head again luv. The overthinking, the gloomy feeling, the urge to shut everyone again. Can’t you hold me and tell me it’ll be alright?  No. Habits. It’s not easy to stop old habits right luv.  *flashbacks*  I’ll try to sleep. Nunyteee 🥺
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