A Story From The Heart

 Things got cold. But I didn’t know it would be ‘freezing’ cold. All I wanted was for you to be there. Especially when I needed most. Tak susah pun. Ambil hati sikit pun jadilah.  What’s all this crap for intimacy if there’s nsa. Where did all the ‘friends’ go? Is this how much I value? Nvm. No point ranting on things to people that see no value in a person.  I just want to be happy and feel appreciated. Life got hard. No joke. Wish I had someone to open up to…without it being used against me, without the need to hide anything, without getting hurt, and most importantly without feeling like my problems are invalid. It matters to me. So if you wanna F around, then GO!

 Nothing to rant today but I had a silly thought recently 😂.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a partner that literally ’belanja’ I during 12.12 sale?? Lol. I mean I want a lot of things yknow. Even random things like a plush toy or some stickers 🤣 Tapi sebenarnya something that made me feel like this was when I was scrolling a tudung on sale. I just had a thought “kan best kalau I boleh cakap NAK je kat someone”. Hmm Tudung tu tak mahal pun. RM28 je lepas sale. Kan best kalau you belikan I 2-3 helai 🥺. Nanti boleh pakai time pergi kerja ke, p shopping ke, dating ke. Tapi tu angan angan sajaaa. Tak salah kan nadhoossh kuat berangan 🤭 One day I wanna say to the LOML: “Sayang, I nak tudung ni pleaseeee 🙃” **Teringat dulu ada orang sanggup nak tunggu gaji untuk belikan I cincin. Sekarang, nak reply apatah lagi nak cari kita, habuk pun takdak 😂

Hey. It’s only been a week but it feels heavy doesn’t it? I had so much plans. We. But His plans are better. As long as it makes you happy. If you think this is for the best. Nothing else matters.  I wish we had our birthday date I wish we had our cake we talked about I wish we had our night drive I wish we actually celebrated together I came by that night with high hopes. But this time I was already prepared for it. It didn’t hurt like the last time. That’s good right? 

Nope. It’s not tears of joy tonight. Thought I could control it but not everything is in our favour innit?  That really hurts but I controlled my emotions to show how unacceptable it was. Who can even be this sane and calm. Is this even normal? Idk.  “The softness, The sweetness…”  As usual. I wished I was missed more than that. And as usual, I kill my own sanity with expectations. GG nadhoossh.  P/s: note to self. You are worth more than that and you deserve better. Ily. 

“I takleh tidoq”  Wish I could say that. Jari ni tahan ja nak cakap. But I’m not allowed to anymore. It’s messing with my head again luv. The overthinking, the gloomy feeling, the urge to shut everyone again. Can’t you hold me and tell me it’ll be alright?  No. Habits. It’s not easy to stop old habits right luv.  *flashbacks*  I’ll try to sleep. Nunyteee 🥺

 I’m overwhelmed with all the feelings and emotional rush right now. Rasa macam baru semalam I tanya “dah makan ke?” dekat launching. Time flies so fast kan? Rindu. I wish there was a stronger word to describe this feeling. Can’t quite find one. Probably never will.  How do people go through this? Is there a manual for it? Why is it easy for you and not me? These questions in my head don’t have answers and its driving me insane! Maybe this is what the actual “calm in the midst of chaos” means. Those words still linger in my head you. Those last 2 things you said. I wish “take care okay” was big enough. Strong enough. Loud enough. To erase “and please mov…”. Damn. I can’t even finish it without my eyes getting wet… I sedih. Itu je I boleh cakap. Doesn’t matter what anyone tells me. Let me feel this emptiness. Who are you to invalidate my feelings??  People say its supposed to be easy. Idk. I have no regrets. I hope so. But I wish things could be better. Hope; —is such a he...

  Effort Ofcourse its too much to ask when you have to beg for it. I tried. For months bukan sekejap tau. Sometimes I feel like I should keep going, sometimes like its time to just stop 😭. Do you hate me? I just wanna feel appreciated. Its been a while since I felt appreciated in something. Hmmm. Maybe I’m not good enough. Idk. I hate the word effort dari dulu. Dia macam that ill feeling towards it as if its something people tend to beg for or people just take for granted and that’s why I hate bringing it up but right now its just so f*cked up in my damn mind.  Harini I kena kerja weekend :( Woke up lepas subuh siap terus gerak. Even ate while driving. Rasa macam picisan nya hidup. Kerja pun nak perhatian to be appreciated more. Rindunya nak mengadu, nak luahkan. Please come back 😔

It’s been a year nadhoossh…time flies huh? The fact that so many things could change in a year just freaks me out nowadays. Seems like hard to believe right? Me? Scared of the unknown? I’m pretty shocked myself *self pat* Still fresh in my mind what happened a year a go. You lost yourself damn hard innit? Macam apa pepatah tu; jatuh ditepi tangga (?). Sumtin like that 🫠. Baru sikit sikit nak bangun. It’s not impossible nadh, just a weeebit hard i know. This time you gotta put yourself first. Just like last time but stronger. Twas a 50:50 really when people kept provoking your “walls” and look what that put me through. Ugghhh gewamsss! But heyyy you did your best! I’m gonna do what’s best for me even if doesn’t work out. Those that love you will understand and those that you love, will know 🥰 Remember; change is inevitable. No matter how much you run from it. Life without change is just non evolving kan? How can one be better or grow without change. Do things for YOU. To look good in ...